Me...

Realized I hadn't posted in a while. That will change starting with an updated picture of me.

One Small Step.

So yesterday was a great day. I stepped out as me in front of friends and people I don't know. I was more nervous than I expected myself to be. That being said it's also the happiest I've ever been with myself in public. Everyday I'm dressing more and more outside of my own house. My safe place if you will. A new friend told me that it will eventually stop being "dressing in public". It will become just being in public. I know my nerves are a big part of it. But I've never been happier in public than dressed as I was yesterday.

That was me yesteeday.

All dressed up

It's been a while since I wrote. Haven't had much time and I feel bad for that.

Yesterday was the first time I stepped out dressed as Maddison. Ive been going by my new name in my public life but have been trying to get more accustomed and comfortable by dressing mostly at home. It felt liberating. Yes it was simple and nothing fancy but it was me. A punk band t-shirt, a very pretty green skirt, and combat boots. I had that early nineties punk grunge look down. I don't have a wig yet and my hair isn't grown out so it's short but no worries there. I'm going to start dressing more in public as I love being me. I have never felt more comfortable in public as myself.

Just Pondering Things

So I was thinking earlier today. Well to be more certain a question I was asked got me thinking. Well two really.

1. Does not dressing all the time mean I'm not truly a trans woman?
I answered no it does not. I have kids and a wife I support. I have bills. It's not easy to just buy a new wardrobe. I'm dressing more and more at home. Getting more comfortable with myself. It's not an easy transition to fully make for a number of reasons. It's not a fast process either. But no matter the outer appearance I know I'm a woman. Nothing changes that.

2. Is there any part of the former me in Maddison, who I am now?
I had to think about that one but yes there is. It's not my in erects or hobbies. It's not my passion for things I love. Everything that is Maddison was also in N. That's how I'll refer to my former self. I'm just no longer afraid to show and be Maddison. So the main part of N that remains is my fear. Fear of being me. Fear of others thoughts and hatred of who I am. Fear of everything. Fear of myself. That will never go away. But as Maddison that fear doesn't control me. That isn't to say I'm not afraid of other things. But as N my fear of me was always foremost in life. That's the part of N that lives on in me. Knowing and remembering that fear. The rest is and has always been Maddie.

Trans Proud.

For along time in my life I didn't come out as a trans woman. Mostly due to fear. Fear of how those close to me would react. Fear of backlash from the community I live. So I tried to hide it even more. I tried to deny who I was to myself. I sit here typing this very proud to say I am a trans woman. I will give show no fear for I know that it it takes strength, of which I have plenty, to be myself. It takes strength to look everyone in the eyes and say my name is Maddison and I am a woman. I have never been more proud of who I am. The words of encouragement and acceptance I have been shown from the LGBT community has been nothing short of phenomenal. I have felt love, joy, kindness, acceptance, and knew everyone to be honest. Nothing cab change who I am. I have learned that the  people that make up the LGBT community are nothing short of the best in the world. I am proud to be one as a trans woman.

With love,
Maddison Wright.

It's My Life, My style.

So I'm out today and someone who doesn't know me or had never met me overhead a conversation between me and someone else. Yes the conversation was about me transitioning and going by a different name. Yes it was about me dressing. Well this individual took it upon himself to start telling me my fashion sense was wrong. I'm in cargo shorts, a Green Lantern shirt, and a headband with a green bow on it. The cargo shorts are a greenish color commoflage. I'm way beyond comfortable. Also I'm on my skateboard. First words out of his mouth were you don't match. Uuuummm i dressed for me not to impress anyone. Then he says I need to grow up and not wear comic book shirts. I'm a comic book geek. That won't stop. Then tells me that if I'm a woman I'd have better taste. That I need to figure out who I am or not be anyone at all. I'm a punk rock loving, skateboarding, comic geek, Jean and t-shirts  kinda girl. I know women who were born women that like those things. Why can't I be that as a trans woman? I can be. I'm me. It's not the judging my style that really got me. It's the I need to figure out who I am or be Noone at all comment that got me. It has taken me years, and I mean years to be happy and accepting of who I am. I love me today. The old me he's gone. I'm Maddison. I didn't even think twice about that. But someone got to me today in a way I wasn't expecting. Can't I keep liking all the things I liked before and still like them as me. An awesome woman. It's my body, my style, my choice of how I look. I'm just trying to find my place.

Embracing Another Side

So I have been pushing down and hiding a side of me for a long time. I feel I have taught myself to be masculine. I did this by reading and understanding male characters. By watching TV and movies. It wasn't easy but something I gradually came to be good at. What I thought society expected of me to be. A MAN.
see the problem was is I'm not a man. I can act and pretend all day. But what I am is not masculine.
I am feminine inside and out. I have stopped hiding it. Why should I? I am no longer worried about what others think or say. They don't dictate who I am or what I am. I do that.
I have casually started to sit differently. Move differently. My mannerisms are becoming more of how I know I am.
Being me is awesome.

Am I Brave?

Quite a few people have told me I am brave and coragious for coming out the way I did and announcing that I was going to transition into living as a woman. I don't view myself as either. I was always afraid to be who I was because of how others would look at me. I look to the people who went through this before me as braver than me. The people who stood up for people like. They gave me the courage and strength to proudly announce that my name is Maddison. That forever I've been hiding who I am but no longer do I feel the need to hide. To those people I owe my life without them I'd still feel like I little girl hiding in a body that didn't feel like it was mine. Today I stand as a proud beautiful woman who is okay with my outer appearance and becoming better with it every day.

It's Officially Facebook Official

So earlier today I posted on Facebook that I was going to transition into living my life finally as I've always been. A woman. I wrote and rewrote the post a few times. It was nerve-racking. But also a complete and total relief. I could not be happier with who I am. I have seen my friends list go up and down. Oh well. I can'tchange people prefer conceived ideas on life. This is my life and I'm way happy. Overall though the responses have been good. Even if they weren't I'm not going to let that negativity effect me.
Today I am a beautiful strong intelligent woman. Nothing will change that.

Dressing and Shopping

So I started looking for and getting my style together. It's frustrating and awesome all at once.
Let's start with frustrating first. It's not easy as a person to walk into a department store and try on women's clothing. How do I know what's going to fit. Trial by error. The sizes are crazy. In men's clothing everything is sized the same. Medium is medium. If you wear one size in one brand it's the same in another. No not women's everything is different. It's going to be a challenge but one I'm up to in figuring out. Also what is comfortable for me. In style and what I'm comfortable in in public.
The awesome part is I am finally not hiding who I am. I love the colors, the patterns and prints, and the different varieties of clothing. I feel and know that when I do in a few weeks make my transition public and start dressing both out and at home I will look beautiful. My favorite color has and will always be pink. Now I have so many options. I love dresses and skirts and am excited to be in the clothes that I feel most comfortable in.
I have already started dressing at home. Mostly just in underwear as I'm getting used to things but also because my kids come first and they need too. I can't just buy a whole new wardrobe. I will work up to it. I know that I identify as a woman. And I need for what I look like on the outside to match how I feel on the inside.
What this all comes down to for me today is I'm done with men's clothing. I'm beautiful, strong, and undeniably girly. So I'm welcoming every aspect of women's clothing. At heart though I'm a t-shirt and jeans kinda girl. It's so comfortable.
I'm also going to peirce my ears, wear some but not to much make-up, and invest in a wig til my hair gets longer.
I'm super excited to finish my transition into becoming who I've always been.

Picking of a Name

I chose the name Maddison because I simply love that name. Maddie for short. I am a gamer and it is a name I have always used when creating my characters. I always create and play as a female. Even whend I play tabletop rpgs. And I chose Wright because I feel right. So therefore I am Maddison Wright.

The beginning....

 The early years
Growing up i always felt like i wasnt who i was supposed to be. I have two sisters close to me in age. I always enjoyed playing dress up in there clothes. My parents always wrote it off as a stage in life i would grow out of. Which i never did. At almost thirteen years of age my mother not knowing how to deal with it anymore and my step father not wanting to deal with it sent me to live with my father. He at this time was with another woman who had two daughters before him and a son and daughter together. Needless to say this didnt stop it only made it escalate. They took me to psychiatrists and therapists to as they put it "fix me". By this time i was now way into puberty and having dreams of the erotic kind as all young boys do, but mine were as me as a female not male. The doctors could not fix me. Living with them was not easy. I look back now and know i put a lot of strain on their relationship. At sixteen i was no longer living with either parent.

Out on my own
I lived with roommates mostly and lots of times was homeless. During that time i explored my sexuality and was with both men and women. Most of the time not being comfortable with either. The only time i was comfortable during sex was when there was also a strong emotional connection.  Still dressing in womens clothing more in the privacy of my own bedroom and very seldom in public. Life was never easy. It is during this time kid #1 was born. I look back on this time now and with better memories and feel i was living as society expected a man to live. Having girlfriends and jobs and all the other things expected of a young man in his late teens early twenties. Still not happy with me on the inside or out.

Catching up.
Over the past ten years i have come to not care what people think of who i am. I want to be happy with me. I met an awesome woman with whom i am extremely happy. I have taken on one of her kids and raising him as my own. Kid #2. We together have had one. Kid #3. All the while still dressing up but hiding it well something i became very good at. Now living my life clean and sober i have realized that all along its not that i was unhappy with myself but that i was ignoring who i was. I believe i was doing this because i had to get by in society. In the past few weeks i have discovered that all along i feel that im a woman more than i am a man. I have came out to my wife and a very select few people in my life. Those that matter and i feel would understand.

The future
I have at this moment every intention of transitioning into and living my life as a woman. My wife assures me that this will not break us up as she loves me for who i am and wants me to be happy with myself. I will be seeing a therapist to help me with the changes and my wife and i will be going to couples counseling  so this doesnt hurt our relationship. I have also built myself an absolutely awesome support group. One of those people being someone who has gone through what i am already. That knowledge and experience is something that i know will help help me in my journey to becoming me.

So as someone close to me likes to say since time machines have not been invented we cannot change the past or control the future. I am living in the here and now but no that as long as i stay true to myself i will be okay.

Always with love
Maddie Wright

Introducing me to the world

Hi my name is Maddison, Maddie for short. I am a 34 year old transgender. I was born male but am female. I have lived the first almost 35 years of my life as a man but will finish it out living as a woman.

As i understand that there is a lot of backlash given to the transgender community right now the safety and privacy of my loved ones is very important to me. I will not ever list names.

I am married to a wonderful woman who will be referred to just as my wife. I also have 3 children who will be referred to as kids 1, 2, and 3.

This blog is to give me a place to put out there in the world how i feel and what i am going through in the process of transitioning from man to woman.