Me...

Realized I hadn't posted in a while. That will change starting with an updated picture of me.

One Small Step.

So yesterday was a great day. I stepped out as me in front of friends and people I don't know. I was more nervous than I expected myself to be. That being said it's also the happiest I've ever been with myself in public. Everyday I'm dressing more and more outside of my own house. My safe place if you will. A new friend told me that it will eventually stop being "dressing in public". It will become just being in public. I know my nerves are a big part of it. But I've never been happier in public than dressed as I was yesterday.

That was me yesteeday.

All dressed up

It's been a while since I wrote. Haven't had much time and I feel bad for that.

Yesterday was the first time I stepped out dressed as Maddison. Ive been going by my new name in my public life but have been trying to get more accustomed and comfortable by dressing mostly at home. It felt liberating. Yes it was simple and nothing fancy but it was me. A punk band t-shirt, a very pretty green skirt, and combat boots. I had that early nineties punk grunge look down. I don't have a wig yet and my hair isn't grown out so it's short but no worries there. I'm going to start dressing more in public as I love being me. I have never felt more comfortable in public as myself.

Just Pondering Things

So I was thinking earlier today. Well to be more certain a question I was asked got me thinking. Well two really.

1. Does not dressing all the time mean I'm not truly a trans woman?
I answered no it does not. I have kids and a wife I support. I have bills. It's not easy to just buy a new wardrobe. I'm dressing more and more at home. Getting more comfortable with myself. It's not an easy transition to fully make for a number of reasons. It's not a fast process either. But no matter the outer appearance I know I'm a woman. Nothing changes that.

2. Is there any part of the former me in Maddison, who I am now?
I had to think about that one but yes there is. It's not my in erects or hobbies. It's not my passion for things I love. Everything that is Maddison was also in N. That's how I'll refer to my former self. I'm just no longer afraid to show and be Maddison. So the main part of N that remains is my fear. Fear of being me. Fear of others thoughts and hatred of who I am. Fear of everything. Fear of myself. That will never go away. But as Maddison that fear doesn't control me. That isn't to say I'm not afraid of other things. But as N my fear of me was always foremost in life. That's the part of N that lives on in me. Knowing and remembering that fear. The rest is and has always been Maddie.

Trans Proud.

For along time in my life I didn't come out as a trans woman. Mostly due to fear. Fear of how those close to me would react. Fear of backlash from the community I live. So I tried to hide it even more. I tried to deny who I was to myself. I sit here typing this very proud to say I am a trans woman. I will give show no fear for I know that it it takes strength, of which I have plenty, to be myself. It takes strength to look everyone in the eyes and say my name is Maddison and I am a woman. I have never been more proud of who I am. The words of encouragement and acceptance I have been shown from the LGBT community has been nothing short of phenomenal. I have felt love, joy, kindness, acceptance, and knew everyone to be honest. Nothing cab change who I am. I have learned that the  people that make up the LGBT community are nothing short of the best in the world. I am proud to be one as a trans woman.

With love,
Maddison Wright.

It's My Life, My style.

So I'm out today and someone who doesn't know me or had never met me overhead a conversation between me and someone else. Yes the conversation was about me transitioning and going by a different name. Yes it was about me dressing. Well this individual took it upon himself to start telling me my fashion sense was wrong. I'm in cargo shorts, a Green Lantern shirt, and a headband with a green bow on it. The cargo shorts are a greenish color commoflage. I'm way beyond comfortable. Also I'm on my skateboard. First words out of his mouth were you don't match. Uuuummm i dressed for me not to impress anyone. Then he says I need to grow up and not wear comic book shirts. I'm a comic book geek. That won't stop. Then tells me that if I'm a woman I'd have better taste. That I need to figure out who I am or not be anyone at all. I'm a punk rock loving, skateboarding, comic geek, Jean and t-shirts  kinda girl. I know women who were born women that like those things. Why can't I be that as a trans woman? I can be. I'm me. It's not the judging my style that really got me. It's the I need to figure out who I am or be Noone at all comment that got me. It has taken me years, and I mean years to be happy and accepting of who I am. I love me today. The old me he's gone. I'm Maddison. I didn't even think twice about that. But someone got to me today in a way I wasn't expecting. Can't I keep liking all the things I liked before and still like them as me. An awesome woman. It's my body, my style, my choice of how I look. I'm just trying to find my place.

Embracing Another Side

So I have been pushing down and hiding a side of me for a long time. I feel I have taught myself to be masculine. I did this by reading and understanding male characters. By watching TV and movies. It wasn't easy but something I gradually came to be good at. What I thought society expected of me to be. A MAN.
see the problem was is I'm not a man. I can act and pretend all day. But what I am is not masculine.
I am feminine inside and out. I have stopped hiding it. Why should I? I am no longer worried about what others think or say. They don't dictate who I am or what I am. I do that.
I have casually started to sit differently. Move differently. My mannerisms are becoming more of how I know I am.
Being me is awesome.