So I was thinking earlier today. Well to be more certain a question I was asked got me thinking. Well two really.
1. Does not dressing all the time mean I'm not truly a trans woman?
I answered no it does not. I have kids and a wife I support. I have bills. It's not easy to just buy a new wardrobe. I'm dressing more and more at home. Getting more comfortable with myself. It's not an easy transition to fully make for a number of reasons. It's not a fast process either. But no matter the outer appearance I know I'm a woman. Nothing changes that.
2. Is there any part of the former me in Maddison, who I am now?
I had to think about that one but yes there is. It's not my in erects or hobbies. It's not my passion for things I love. Everything that is Maddison was also in N. That's how I'll refer to my former self. I'm just no longer afraid to show and be Maddison. So the main part of N that remains is my fear. Fear of being me. Fear of others thoughts and hatred of who I am. Fear of everything. Fear of myself. That will never go away. But as Maddison that fear doesn't control me. That isn't to say I'm not afraid of other things. But as N my fear of me was always foremost in life. That's the part of N that lives on in me. Knowing and remembering that fear. The rest is and has always been Maddie.